Yes I'm still in my pjs (which are now too big) and yes (as indicated by the clock on the wall) it's almost 11am and I am as despondent and tired as I look. I'm in my studio, sitting at my Mac when I should be out in the sunshine walking Bear (who is gazing at me reproachfully). I don't want to get dressed. I don't want do any of the things I should be doing (including tackling our mountain of ironing). I want to forget about my new, healthy lifestyle for just one day, today. I want to stay in my studio and be creative. I want to scrap. I want to play with paints. I want to start an art journal. I want to be a healthy weight already. I want. I want. I want.
Why? I'm disappointed in myself. That's why. I'm disappointed I let myself become as big as I did. I'm disappointed I haven't taken responsibility for my own actions before now. I despair of ever reaching a healthy weight. This journey feels never-ending, which it is, because its about a lifestyle not a short term solution. I'm disappointed I caved at Easter and thew caution to the winds. Easter. Oh do let me tell you about Easter.
We went to my parents on Easter Saturday. Because they are elderly, and I wanted to be in control of what I was eating, I catered (so to speak) for our day at mum and dad's. I made a batch of banana, chic chip muffins for afternoon tea, a delicious sweet potato, pumpkin and onion soup for dinner, and a pavlova for dessert. The soup is a very healthy, and delicious, recipe. Obviously the muffins and the pavlova, less so, although equally delicious LOL! I didn't plan on having a muffin or a piece of pavlova. But I did, and that was okay. I'm allowed to eat whatever I want. I hadn't had anything along those lines in such a long time, and I had no plans to eat anything else like that for a very long time. I was on track with my exercising, so I figured "why not?" and allowed myself to indulge just a little. After all, it was Easter.
The next day started well. GB and I went for a long walk with Bear despite Melbourne's gloomy, grey skies and cold, wet weather. Danger struck on our way home. We had a 'Caroline Springs' moment. For anyone who lives in Melbourne and watches a modicum of television I can guarantee you have seen an advertisement for moving to Caroline Springs and 'living the dream'. Whilst we don't live in Caroline Springs per se, we do have lots of 'Caroline Springs' moments LOL! We were nearly home when friends who have also moved to our area saw us out and about and called us over to pop in. They were having the kind of day most Melbournians have on gloomy, grey, cold, wet days. They had the TV on and were relaxing, lounging about. We stayed, chatting and watching a little of the 'ancient', religious movie that was on the box, before heading back home. Big mistake. Huge. It was both comforting and relaxing to take a load off and on our way home everything felt alright with the world. Everything. I had slipped into that relaxed, "I'm okay and can do whatever I want without any consequences mode". In that moment I was living a Utopian existence.
As we walked home GB and I laughed about how it was the kind of day for hot pies with sauce, for snuggling up together on the couch and watching old movies and eating munchies. Without conscious thought (because honestly, I didn't want to dissect it!) I was all "come on, why don't we do that?", "let's steal a day and just relax". Two sausage rolls, one vanilla slice, three cinnamon donuts, some hot chips for dinner, some M&Ms (albeit not many) and three DVDs later we had "stolen a day" and "relaxed".
On Easter Sunday I weighed 121.9kg. Ever so close to dropping below 120kg. On Easter Monday I weight 123.7kg. Despite walking Bear for more than an hour every day since and riding the exercise bike three times, covering about 20km over 30 minutes each time, and scrupulously eating ever so well to compensate, today I still weigh 123.7kg. I know that I'm at a period in my menstrual cycle where I don't lose weight and that in a few days I can expect a large drop. I know that if I just keep on slogging through and putting in the effort I will see the results. I know that if I just get off my butt and take Bear for a walk in the sunshine I will have more energy for the rest of the day and I will feel so much better, emotionally. But right here and now, I'm over it.
This journey I'm on is difficult. Trying to lose more than half your body weight and set yourself up with a lifestyle that will help you to maintain that loss is tough. Staying on top of what I eat, my activity levels, my mood and positive outlook? Well that's enough on its own. Throw managing my MS into the mix and it becomes tougher than tough. Some days it feels nigh impossible.
I saw my neurologist yesterday for my regular six month review. She is overwhelmingly impressed and proud of me and what I'm doing. It feels good. Although there has been some mild progression in my MS for the most part, everything I've been doing to create a healthy lifestyle has had a significant, positive impact on my MS. I am stronger and more able than I have been for a very, very long time. But if I want to continue to see improvements in my MS I need to keep moving. I need to, as my neurologist said, "keep doing what it is I'm doing". That does not include staying in my pjs all day and creating in my studio. When I reach a much healthier weight than I currently am, perhaps I'll be able to afford to take a day off to just create, but right now I don't have that liberty. I need to keep moving. I need to keep motivated. I don't need, at the end of the day, to continue to feel disappointed with myself.
On that note, I'm off to clean my teeth, throw on some shorts and a t-shirt and take Bear for a walk. If you've read this, thanks for letting me get this out on paper (so to speak) and hence, work through what's been bothering me today. Yes I may be 123.7kg today, I may be 123.7kg tomorrow, but one day I will be 75kg. That day may be a long time coming, but I know that, one day, it will.
Alz
:)
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